Monday, October 28, 2013

Today's Rant: Useless and Clueless

Lately, I want to punch myself in the face. I used to think that no matter what happens in this world, I wouldn't let it dampen my spirit. But now I'm feeling like an old and weathered wood. This is not a matter where there's a lot of difficult things happened in your life. Quite the contrary, nothing's happened in my life. When did I let my life become this boring?  Where did it all go wrong?

Okay. I lied. Something happened in my life. Obviously there's something wrong about the direction that I take. I hate to do same thing over and over again. It smother my breath of creativity and eventually will kill my precious little grey cells. So why did I let my daily routine stole crumbs of happiness that I usually feel before I go to sleep everyday? I'm bored to death with everything so I don't have motivation to finish all those files and documents that piles up in my desk. Doing similar things over and over again send chills down to my spine that make me flinch everytime I see things that I have to work on. God, I'm so helpless!! My reluctance to do my job make me feel useless. Because it makes me feel like I'm not capable to do an easy job. Why did I have to make things complicated? It's not a difficult thing to do but why do I hesitate? Geez, I'm so clueless with my own life.

The nothingness in my life feels like it might drive me out of sanity. Sometimes I even pictured myself singing "Long View" by Green Day, one of my favorite song in "Dookie".

"I got no motivation
Where is my motivation?
No time for the motivation"

What a terrible song to be an anthem. T^T. Maybe I left my motivation somewhere out there.

As if the situation is not already bad enough, it has been sometime that I never love someone. Not even the slightest crush or affection. What is wrong with me? Am I becoming one of those "herbivore men" like in Japan? Personally, I always feel that love is the greatest inspiration and motivation. When I'm not falling in love with someone, I usually seek consolation and try to induce spark of affection to other things. Fangirling to an artist or idolizing a characters in manga are my attempts to keep my spirit up. But lately it doesn't work anymore. Hah *take a deep breath*. I feel pathetic for trying to motivate myself with those things. Whatever. Call me pathetic, call me what you like. I just want to blabbering about this. I don't know. Maybe the willingness to do something that we don't want to do for the sake of going on is just a process in our journey to become wiser and more mature. Ah, I have to end this mindless rant before I forget what was my main objective to write this piece of mind and it's begin spiraling out of control. Ja matta nee!


  1. kok aku ngerasa hal yang sama yaa? hmm... tapi seenggaknya fangirling still works for me, hahaha..